Hold on to me...

I guess I never thought anyone would truly love me, or chose it willingly. Families have to love you, because they've learned to do so since you were born into their lives. Friends have the choice to love you, but I still never thought anything would last. People always leave me, and I feel like I've been broken in so many ways, it's kind of pitiful. I learnt to keep everything to myself, and never tell people my inner thoughts, because whenever I did, they'd say something wrong, like try to fix me, and justify the way I felt. They made me feel it was my own fault if I felt worthless, which makes no sense at all. I'd never chose something so self-destructive if I hadn't been taught it for so long. I guess I was trying to be strong, and tell myself I don't need anyone, but I'm a master at denial. I'm actually the most needy person, because I can't stand to be alone.

I've had many crazy ideas as to why I feel the way I do, but my mom really knocked me down when she told me I was self-pitying. It's a horrible thing to hear, but it opened my eyes. I'm trying to love everything in my life now, and start to depend on people in a different way. I must have been overbearing, but I'm gonna change that.

Even though I have a hard time trusting people, I'm a very loyal friend to my friends. I always want to help them in any way, because I know how hard it is to feel alone, and scared, and painful. So I started to cry when I read that one of my dear friends felt almost the same way I do, yet she felt like she could tell me! Of all people! I've never felt that way before, like someone trusted me that much. It was so powerful. I just want you to know that even if I can't open up yet, or be there in person to beat all the bad guys for you, I'll always come back, and I'll listen to you when you need me. I never knew you loved me so much, and it's a very nice feeling for me. I hope I can give it back to you.

This is my heart for you.

~Leene~ "I never knew a heart existed, outside of make-believe." xoxx